everyone is single if you try hard enough
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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