You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
