Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
