I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
