I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
