i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
