foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
