Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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