Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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