Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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