I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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