Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
