I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
