I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
