She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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