Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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