i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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