Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
