I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
