i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
