I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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