This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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