I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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