I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
