She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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