Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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