I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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