i was born a porn star she said
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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