that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
