You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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