Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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