well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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