did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Randomize
