Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
