i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
ok first of all what the fuck
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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