New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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