Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
