I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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