true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
