Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
