I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
