Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
