He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
