I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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