Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
