When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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