I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
