All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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