I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
