I think I won the penis lottery.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
